Pain To Passion

Once upon a time, I met a tall dark and handsome stranger. He wasn’t my type, but he was cute. My type hadn't been working thus far, so i figured what the heck! He had a great smile and he was fun and very generous. I said I was ready for commitment, and he would put me to the test. When the topic of conversation arose, I failed miserably. I knew I wasn’t ready to be married again, but I wanted a relationship with this man. I was attracted to his heart and the warm love he gave me with every kiss and hug. I loved him, but didn’t know how to change my life filled with meaningless relationships with guys that I had no intention of taking seriously. But how did I know for sure that this man would be all that he says he would be? After almost losing him one night, after an argument, I knew he was who I wanted, and that he deserved my heart. Everything changed and we began our life together as a couple. We were together for many years until one day everything changed. I remember thinking,

I really love him, and I think we should start thinking about marriage. Until that moment, I always told him not to ask me until I told him I was ready. Crazy rite? Well he eventually didn’t want to ask anymore. When I was ready, he was done. His efforts had diminished, and he became someone I didn’t even know. He changed so drastically. He was regurgitating every wrong thing I had done and said, from years ago. Nothing I did was good enough anymore and I wasn’t good enough anymore. I didn’t follow through in the plans we had made together for our relationship and he had had enough. The pain of having my heart cut into little pieces, didn’t allow for good behavior on my part. The sadness would completely take the sunshine from my spirit. I cried everyday for months. I couldn’t get out of bed. My children were trying to understand what was wrong with me. I tried everything to keep myself together and away from my children, as we prepared to separate. I had to wait to move into my new home and it was the longest excruciatingly painful period in my life to date. He continued to treat me as if he couldn’t wait for me to go, but made sure to be nice enough to receive any love making perks before I left. One day he was hot, the next cold. Sometimes he came home, sometimes not. I kept trying to understand what was happening with him as he continued to reek havoc in my heart. We had both come from devastating relationships when we got together, and neither of us had healed. I tried to explain this to him when we had our first conversations about being in a committed relationship together. He didn’t want to hear any of that though. He said we could heal each other and that we were both ready. I knew in my heart that this wasn’t true, which is why I did not allow him to propose to me after only dating for 3 months. He had brought a ring and everything. Now everything was a disaster, just like I’d feared from the beginning, only now…my heart was in the direct line of fire.

It was during this time that I took a job at a bridal boutique. Fashion and styling were my expertise and the job came quite easily. I thought I could handle it until everything hit me. Women came in everyday and were choosing gowns to marry the love of their life in. One day it just felt like a huge slap across the face. They would tell me how he proposed and how they met, the sweet things he would say and do. After my shifts, I would go home to him. His energy sickened me. I was reminded of how I wasn’t being treated anymore. I was reminded of how he didn’t want me anymore, and that the disrespect would only get worse. He began what I like to call the cheat moves, placing his phone faced down, creep texting, low talking, using friends as alibi’s, all the shady stuff. I had no choice but to deal with it, and he knew it. I felt so alone and so abandoned by his friends and family, whom I loved and had adopted as my own. All I remember are the looks from his friends and family as tears rolled down my face during a party for him that I wasn’t invited to( let that sink in). I had no family where we lived, and couldn’t tell anybody what I was going through. Every morning I awoke with a pain in my stomach rite before the tears would begin. All of this, from a man that I willingly gave my heart to…I never thought that he could or would ever do this to me.

Many days I had to leave my brides during an appointment, to go cry in the bathroom. I would get myself together, put a smile on my face and get back out on the floor. I even helped a friend of his come pick out her wedding dress, and it just doesn’t get any better then that, now does it? It was becoming harder and harder to be genuinely happy for my brides. I would eventually take a leave of absence to finish up moving into my new home and take a mental health break from my tragic love life.

After taking some time to re-evaluate, I realized that I loved my job. I just didn’t love my life at the time and the man that I loved, didn’t love me, and possibly never really did. I knew that I loved helping brides finding the perfect dress for him to see her in. I loved everything about weddings. It just was so painfully obvious that I wasn’t having one.

Time helped me separate everything as it should be, and I would eventually become a bright, loving, charismatic brown beauty once again. I had to surround myself with love in order to heal. I didn’t want to, but I knew I needed to. I had to face every bride and live in her energy of love for an hour and thirty minutes. I had to speak my love affirmations to myself everyday, and meditate in an atmosphere of love every chance I got. I did things that made me happy, that spoke of love. I had to be with people whom truly loved me. It took a minute, but things began to change for me. I was able to walk away without damage, that I can have healthy relationships moving forward. I found a love for my career again. I found a love for my brides in their happiness. I realized that in happiness is where I always want to be in every area of my life. I found that I am filled with love and that is why I do what I do. I found my passion through my pain. The same place that hurt so badly end up being exactly where I was suppose to be all along. I’m sure the wedding is on its way now, because the light shining from all my love and happiness, will light the path to me.